The Road to Accepting My Queerness

A post by: Charlie Ventura* for Caribbean Feminist

Please keep in mind that my experiences do not reflect the experiences of others.

“Each person’s experience is different, as exploring your sexuality is an incredibly personal journey that never truly comes to an end.”

So someone asked me to write about “My Queer Experience”. At first, I was very excited, not able to wait as I knew this would have the potential to influence other young minds. Let’s just say, it was not as easy I thought it would be.

I guess we should start at the beginning. I was born on…okay I’m just kidding don’t worry. Down to business *serious face*.

If someone were to ask me when I knew I was gay, I wouldn’t be able to pinpoint an exact moment. You see, I remember sitting on the idea for a while, beating myself up about it for part of that and toying with the possibilities for other parts.

I was raised as a Christian, and when the thoughts first started occurring to me that I may be, even remotely, attracted to the same gender I gave myself a pretty hard time.

My parents had never shown disapproval of the idea before, but it wasn’t something that was regularly discussed. I assumed that being a Christian meant that we didn’t stand for that. I assumed they didn’t approve and I told myself that being gay was against what I had been brought up to be.

I eventually found myself in a dark hole that I don’t remember falling into. It’s strange how you just wake up one day and wonder how you got where you are. That’s exactly what happened.

I made bad judgements and spent most of my time trying to get myself thinking in a ‘straight mentality’. My academics suffered, my family and friend relationships, and my relationship with God. I had begun to lose myself in trying to mold myself into something I was not.

Those around became worried about me, my parents keeping a closer eye on me, concerned about my well-being. I confided in a few close friends, but at our age, we didn’t know how to deal with the situation.

Eventually, I found myself wandering down a very self-destructive path and I spoke to my school’s guidance counselor about it. Policy required her to go to my parents, and they were called into school.

Looking back, I remember the hurt I saw on their faces when they spoke to me about it; disappointment in themselves that they had not known. At the time though, I didn’t see it that way. I saw it as them being disappointed in me because I was gay. And I think I jumped to this conclusion because I was disappointed in myself.

That weekend, I went to an over-night Christian camp which lasted for a few days. My parents were very reluctant to let me go, but I was more than happy to not be around them during this sensitive time.

And although I now understand why they wanted me home with them, I wouldn’t trade that first camp experience.

It was probably one of the most life-changing periods in my life. I met a girl at camp, and no we were not and have not been romantically involved, but I did have a crush on her.

Being there, spending and devoting my time to connecting with my spirituality really helped me to start coming to terms with myself. It definitely wasn’t an overnight thing, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t still trouble me sometimes, but making connections like that was really good for me. Everyone there was so caring, having morals similar to what I wanted. We spoke a lot about discrimination there and I began slowly accepting myself every day, and my new-found connection with a sense of spirituality really helped me to do that.

When camp was over, I spent a while trying to learn about myself. I prayed more and found different ways to channel my emotions, like meditation and art. Things became a bit better.

And although I was beginning to accept myself, I think I still looked at my sexuality as a big thing. That of course was up until the very day I met her. Yes y’all, I met a girl.

She was a really good thing for me. I don’t really know where she stood on this topic of spirituality before we met but regardless she is so important to me. Meeting her shifted my mentality from one that regarded spirituality above everything to one that is more understanding of those who don’t feel the same way. I think this is because for her this issue is more of a touchy subject that she needs to navigate on her own.

I spend a lot time with her, and sharing myself and my thoughts with another person like that, has been really beneficial to me. Of course we have our share of problems, I mean who doesn’t, but we care about each other a lot and having her with me has been a wonderful experience that I wouldn’t trade for the world.

I mean, I guess the message I’d like to give to people, given this opportunity, is that you should take it easy. Just stop giving yourself such a hard time. Remember that your morals are your morals, no one else’s. Find your own morals, stick to them and try your best to think for yourself.

Try to remember how important you are and just keep moving forward. Focus on your self-betterment and growth. We are all on a wonderful, crazy journey, so might as well make the best of it.

Anyways, that’s all I got for you…

- Charlie Ventura*